Mehwidge

Do I have a fucking sign on my back? Is there a sign back there that says, "please, I am in desperate need to be fixed up?" If there is, please disregard it, and tell your friends. I find that since moving out to Mormon country, everybody I work with or encounter talks about how great it is to be married and how I need to go out and get a wife. Tonight, in fact.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not anti-marriage. I just don't think its necessary for a human being to be attached in co-dependency as soon as fucking possible. I've gotten this for years from my mother and grandma, and bless their hearts, I have nothing against them saying it. But when Milton across five feet of granite says, "Ben, we need to get you a wife. That way you'd always wake up on time." Really? Really Milton? Is that why I need a wife? So I can have a fifth alarm clock? To have someone in the morning with their foot in their back saying, "you need to get up and go to work." Yeah? You need to go fuck yourself. I work sixty hours a week. I think I can show up at nine once.

And now that I've mentioned stupid things said by my coworker, lets move on to the always popular "we need to get you on American Idol, Ben." Thats the last thing in the world I want. I don't want to go up in front of millions of people and be berated by some British bastard. Another Miltonism I hate: "Is your hat on backwards or is your head on backwards?" That's not even funny Milt.

But I digress. I think that given the right circumstances and the right phase of life, a good marriage can be a beautiful thing. But neither of those criteria apply to me right now. So please give it a rest.