Rant #2

"Are you crying?" There's no crying in baseball!" -Jimmy Dugan

I understand that there are social rules when it comes to parties. For instance, if Kappa Alpha is throwing a massive kegger and you are on the "outs" with the chapter president, you are not allowed to attend. You can be a dick and try to crash it, but you most certainly do not have the option of showing up, grabbing a cup, pouring a beer, and asking the nearest group of guys how they liked the game last week. Fuck that! You stay home or you find some where else to go, but you don't fuck with social norms. For another example, if you stop by the table of an acquaintance in the cafeteria, and after a couple of minutes of chatter he tells you, "Well, Bro, I don't want to keep you...." You gracefully and quickly bow out. This is not the time to tell him, "No, you aren't keeping me from anything. I have all the time in the world."

Having said this, if an open invitation to a reoccurring event is given, you NEVER have the right to get pissed if you aren't invited EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME! Then, even if the person who gave the open invitation deigns it necessary to invite you again since your feelings have been hurt because you are acting like an annoying, sandy vagina, then you will, under no circumstances, pout at said event. That's just not cool, at all.

(Cooling down....) My suggestion is: Just sack up and go if you want to go, then try to forget any feelings of being slighted that may pop into your agéd, confused little mind, and enjoy yourself. Just chill out a little, and gain some perspective. I promise you, most assuredly that you will have better days, and you will not have to drum off the ear of your significant other with complaints.

But should you not take my advice then I will "strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to" piss me the hell off!

Mehwidge

Do I have a fucking sign on my back? Is there a sign back there that says, "please, I am in desperate need to be fixed up?" If there is, please disregard it, and tell your friends. I find that since moving out to Mormon country, everybody I work with or encounter talks about how great it is to be married and how I need to go out and get a wife. Tonight, in fact.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not anti-marriage. I just don't think its necessary for a human being to be attached in co-dependency as soon as fucking possible. I've gotten this for years from my mother and grandma, and bless their hearts, I have nothing against them saying it. But when Milton across five feet of granite says, "Ben, we need to get you a wife. That way you'd always wake up on time." Really? Really Milton? Is that why I need a wife? So I can have a fifth alarm clock? To have someone in the morning with their foot in their back saying, "you need to get up and go to work." Yeah? You need to go fuck yourself. I work sixty hours a week. I think I can show up at nine once.

And now that I've mentioned stupid things said by my coworker, lets move on to the always popular "we need to get you on American Idol, Ben." Thats the last thing in the world I want. I don't want to go up in front of millions of people and be berated by some British bastard. Another Miltonism I hate: "Is your hat on backwards or is your head on backwards?" That's not even funny Milt.

But I digress. I think that given the right circumstances and the right phase of life, a good marriage can be a beautiful thing. But neither of those criteria apply to me right now. So please give it a rest.